An Embarassing Epitaph
Posted by The Human Torch, 2 Jul 2006, 08:39 PM in Personal
If I had died today my death would have been the stuff of legend, well an internet legend at least. Let me lay it all on the table for you... I had a bagel for breakfast and one for lunch. Shortly after lunch I had to go to the bathroom. I dashed up the stairs to my apartment's second level where my bathroom resides and quickly sat on the john. Just as I was about to relax and while reaching for a magazine to read I noticed there wasn't any toilet paper on the roll. So I shut down the emergency fire exit and leaned over to get more toilet paper out from under the bathroom sink. Much to my dismay there wasn't any toilet paper under the sink.
So I stood up, pants around my ankles and penguin waddled out of the bathroom just a couple feet down the hall. My destination was the linen closet that has it's home right at the top of the stairs. With my penguin waddle intact and the fire exit on lockdown I opened the closet, reached down into the bag of toilet paper on the floor and grabbed a roll. It was in this moment that I noticed an unbelievably mean looking spider, about the size of a silver dollar, had decided to hitch a ride on my hand out of the bag of toilet paper. Totally unexpecting this stowaway, my glee at finding toilet paper was suddenly replaced with sheer and absolute terror. The fear that rushed over me was so profound that I didn't even scream, instead I just flailed my arms about like a Muppet on acid.
Of course in these seconds of horror I forgot my pants were around my ankles and so my balance suddenly tipped backwards in the direction of the stairwell. I regained control of my arms and grabbed the door knob of the closet, saving my life in the process. I don't know where the spider ended up, but I know where I would have. My wife would have found me dead on the middle level landing of my stairs, pants around my ankles, a roll of toliet paper somewhere in the vicinity and a pile stinking up the place. Did I mention I was also wearing a Superman T-Shirt? Well I was. So there you have it, what would have been a most embarassing epitaph and a tale of legend is instead an anecdote to remember. I shouldn't have to say it, but I will... when I finally sat back down on the porcelain throne my sense of relief was tangible.
The Profiler
Posted by The Human Torch, 14 Jun 2006, 01:10 PM in FamilyMy daughter, Kylie, is now 10 months old. She's been walking for about two months and her baby vocabulary is expanding nicely. All in all she's doing just fine, although one thing about her has started to worry me. Kylie has taken to picking up things and holding them to her forehead, closing her eyes while doing so and then after short while muttering something in baby-speak. Kylie seems awful serious about what she is saying after she has her little moment. It's weird. I'm starting to wonder if she has psychic powers like those FBI Profilers that can touch things and get impressions from them in those TV shows. I'm only half serious with my thought, but what she does is weird. Sometimes little kids are freaky.
Infant's Cold & Cough Medicine
Posted by The Human Torch, 16 May 2006, 08:38 PM in Rant
I'm not sure if anyone else is aware, but apparently a law has been passed in the USA whereby "over the counter" cough medicine must be purchased at a pharmacy. My 8 month old daughter, Kylie, has a wicked cold. I asked Kylie's doc what I can give her to help her breathe and control her coughing. Her doctor gave me the okay for infants cold/cough medicine and to use a .8 ML dose. Hearing this from Kylie's doctor was like a blessing from Heaven. Finally Kylie would be able to be herself again and I might get to sleep more than a few minutes at a time.
So a week goes by and after another check with the doctor I head out to Wal-Mart to buy some more cold/cough medicine. When I get to Wal-Mart I find no medicine. NONE. The shelves of infants cold/cough medicine are empty. Well that's a lie they weren't empty. No. The shelves had little plastic cards in them that said, "To purchase this item please take this card to the pharmacy." HA! The PHARMACY IS CLOSED! Yeah it's only 5:00pm on Sunday. Is it a Holiday? No. It's 5:00 PM on Sunday. Kylie is cranky and I'm following suit real quick.
I find a Wal-Mart employee and asked them WTF?! except without the ****. Although techincally I guess the **** was in my tone so it didn't matter I didn't say it. Of course the Wal-Mart employee DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH with any usable vocabulary. Now I'm not a flag waving, raging, redneck, United States of America koolaid drinking fool... normally... but in this instance my blood started to boil. The Wal-Mart employee sensed this somehow and went off to find the nearest store manager for me. About 5 minutes later the store manager shows up and tells me that the medicine must be out for some reason. The store manger then goes on to explain that there might be some at the checkout.
I walk to the checkout and stand in line for 8 minutes. As I am about to ask the checker for infants cold/cough medicine the store manager notices me and walks over. "I just thought I should double check we have some back here so you don't waste your time," says the store manager who then turns to talk to the checker. So I punched the store manger in the back of the head and then kicked her in the ass for good measure. After which I flashed back to reality and heard her say, "I'm sorry. I was just told some Federal law passed and we can only sell this medicine through our pharmacy. Which is closed."
I don't remember much after that. Time seemed to disappear. The next thing I recall is that it was 6:30pm and I'm across town at my local super grocery store, Carrs. Their pharmacy was open and after signing a release form, including having to place my DL/ID number down, I was able to purchase my baby daughter her "OVER THE COUNTER" cold/cough medicine. All of this thanks to the ****ING jackasses on Government Hill who think this law will stop people from abusing the ingredients in cold/cough medicine.
My Son in Quotes
Posted by The Human Torch, 13 May 2006, 08:27 AM in Family
As of this writing my son, Ryan, is seven years old. This is a collection of things that Ryan has said to me that have made me laugh. The vast majority of these quotes have been posted at Nightly in threads where appropriate, so if they seem familar that is why. Needless to say Ryan has picked up on some of my colorful metaphors... it's something I'm working on curbing.
"Hi, Mom." Ryan welcomes his mother home as she walks in from work. "Guess what?! Dad's Lady Friend was here today." My wife blinks. Ryan continues, "You know, Miss Debbie? There is a letter for you to sign on the table." Miss Debbie is our landlord.
A while ago Ryan was playing the video game called 'Incredible Hulk:Ultimate Destruction'. While playing it Ryan had Hulk pick up a 'hamburger shaped sign' from one of the fast food places in the game. The sign looks a lot like a 'Kong-sized' burger, like in that BK commercial. I'm softly chuckling at it for looking like Hulk was carrying around a Kong Burger and then the police started attacking the Hulk. My son, right on cue yells at the screen while having Hulk throw the giant burger... "Eat this, pigs!" I almost pissed myself laughing. For awhile it was hard to even take a breath.
"What's in Kirk's ass, Dad?" re: Captain Kirk's out-of-characterization in Star Trek:The Motion Picture.
"Anakin is a dumbass. Why'd he have to turn bad, Dad? He was my favorite. I know he's Darth Vader, but still it was a new movie and they could have made him stay good."
"General Grievous was awesome, Dad. He had FOUR LIGHTSABERS!"
"That'd be funny if Jango's head fell out of his helmet when his kid was holding it, huh Dad?"
"Anakin cries a lot, huh Dad?" To which I replied, "Well his mom was killed and he thinks his wife is going to die, you'd probably feel pretty bad too." To which he replies, "Yeah I'd cry if Mom died." I ask, "Just mom? What about me?" He answers, "Don't cry, Dad. Geez. [rollseyes] I love you too."
"Han needs a lightsaber. If he was a Jedi it would be cooler."
"If Anakin is Luke's dad, how come Luke looks older?"
My favorite, about Anakin Skywalker:
"Why'd he kill the Jedi kids?" I reply, "They wanted you to see he was turning to the Darkside." He replies, "Oh. I thought he was just a bully." He pauses. "If I was one of those kids I would have stabbed him in the balls with my lightsaber. I'd just be like, Hey Anakin! and turn on my lightsaber right into his balls. Just like you taught me, Dad. If a big kid fights you... go for his balls."
By Request: May 2006
Posted by The Human Torch, 12 May 2006, 12:12 PM in Family
Cerina asked to see pictures of my daughter. So I present to everyone my newly turned nine month old, Kylie Elizabeth:
You can read about her birth in THIS blog entry.
A bonus picture, this is Kylie and her big brother Ryan:
Cheap, Lazy Bastard Gene
Posted by The Human Torch, 4 May 2006, 06:33 PM in Personal
I've come to realize that my parents were both lazy and cheap when I was growing up. This epiphany came to me as I looked for reasons not to let my son play football and take karate class. If he took karate class and played football during the summer I'd actually have places I had to be during the week. Not to mention the cost of these activities. I thought of my parents because just a few decades ago I was my son asking to play football and take karate classes. I was shot down on every year's request but one when I was allowed to play football. On one hand I harbor some ill will towards my parents for cutting my options when I was a kid, on the other - ehh not so much. I figure I have two choices: 1) I can stop being selfish and invest in my child's future and interests. or 2) Buy my son a couple comics and a Gameboy which should shut him up for awhile.
I think I'll sleep on this as it is a big decision.
WT*?! Censors / ABC Family
Posted by The Human Torch, 30 Apr 2006, 04:39 PM in RantI was watching "Back to the Future" on ABC FAMILY today when the top of my head shot off. "Born in the USA" and Mel Gibson shouting "FREEDOM!" rang simultaneously in my ears as my blood started to boil at what I was seeing. ABC Family had taken it apon themselves to attempt to blur out not only the beer cans that characters held or where on counters, but also the soda cans that characters held or were on counters. I say "attempted" as the cans would be "censor blurred" one angle and not the next. So in a side thought I suppose someone will probably be fired over that. Blurring beer and soda cans?! Is this what we've come to now? With the balls it takes to do that I was surprised that Biff didn't say, "I tow your car all the way to your house, McFly, and all you have is [crappy VO]skim milk[/ crappy VO]?!" Needless to say I did not return after the commercial break.
A/S/L + HIStory
Posted by The Human Torch, 23 Apr 2006, 11:51 PM in Personal
A/S/L
28 Years Old
Male
Anchorage, Alaska
HIStory
I was dead when I was born on January 7, 1978. The cord was wrapped around my throat so tight I had stopped breathing and was basically blue. To make matters worse the hospital's equipment started malfunctioning when they started to use it to help me. After a few moments I was alive, thanks to the manual emergency procedures performed by the doctor that delivered me. Needless to say I spent time in hospital observation before being allowed to go home. Not that I recall any of this, but it is the facts as I've been told them.
Considering the state of many places on Earth, England seems like it would have been a good place to grow up. Although I never got the chance to test that idea. My Ma divorced my Father and married an American serviceman. I was only a year and a half old at this time so it's not like I knew what was going on, but the divorce had it's share of effects on my older brother and sister. My Pops was previously married and had kids of his own. My new older sister and two new older brothers, care of Pops, never lived with me growing up. Although they visited often while my family lived in England.
My new Pops was in the United States Air Force and when his tour was up in England we moved to the United States with a new younger brother in tow. I was around seven years old at this time. Being the new kid, the smart kid and having with a British accent didn't help me make many friends in my new homeland. Although I can't say I'm emotionally scarred by that as I couldn't remember those days with any meaningful clarity it if I wanted too. I died just short of three years later. I was only dead for a moment, but being dead is dead isn't it?
A drunk driver t-boned my Ma's Plymouth Voyager. The drunk's truck hit in the driver's side, close to the rear end. I was sitting right at the point of impact. The car's body bowed and the window exploded. My forehead, left cheek and chin were split open as easily as pulling apart wet tissue. Apparently a large portion of my skull was exposed across my forehead for all to see. I came back to Earth in the ambulance. I've been told I spoke. It's said that I asked why I wasn't still in Heaven.
Seatbelts do save lives. I was wearing one and I'm still here. It's been explained I would have been thrown had I not had my belt on. My older brother and sister were wearing seatbelts and just suffered a few small cuts and headaches from whiplash. My Mother walked away with a broken collar bone. My little brother had nothing wrong with him, even though he was covered in blood and unconscious... he was sitting next to me and my head hit his, covering him in my blood and knocking him out. My Pops was unhurt and much of my information from this night comes from him.
Miraculously the doctor on call at the hospital I was taken to was, in his private practice, an accomplished "plastic" surgen. Even more blessed was the fact that my exposed skull wasn't exposed because the skin was ripped off by blunt force and shattering glass. Instead the force and the way the glass hit me just peeled the skin back, laying it on top of less damaged areas of my face. Kinda like when you fold a piece of paper. Half the paper isn't gone, it's just folded over.
Reconstructive surgery wasn't needed and neither was skin grafting. Thanks to his skill set the on call doctor was able to unfold the torn, pushed back skin on my forehead and sew me back together. I hardly remember anything about my life before this accident thanks to it and ironically I barely have a physical reminder of the accident thanks to the skills of the surgen. Everything is basically forgotten. Well unless I drudge up what little flashes I have and the information I've been told for something like this entry.
Shortly thereafter my Pops was stationed in Alaska by the United States Air Force. Humorously the time of my life I can remember the most is the time I'll write about in as little detail as possible. I grew up like many male children of the time. Muddling my way through school; day dreaming of Starfleets, Super-Heroes and Jedi. I became a popular kid, a status I held all the way through the rest of my school days... except for that seventh grade year where I was relentlessly attacked by quite possibly the worst acne in the history of the universe.
When I was fourteen years old I got married. Not seriously, but in hindsight everything but the ceremony was written in stone. I met my wife in 9th grade. We were friends from the start, but not intentionally so. I didn't look for her and she didn't look for me. Our 9th grade English teacher paired us on the first day of that Freshman year for a "get to know your classmate" interview project. A year later my wife and I decided to become more than friends. Six years after we first met, still boyfriend and girlfriend, my wife gave birth to our first child.
I never asked my wife to marry me, but then again she gave birth to my son and so she didn't give me much of a choice. Of course I wanted to marry her, I just never actually proposed... a fact she likes to remind me of every once and awhile. We were married when our son was 2 months old. We waited partly because weddings take time to pull together and partly because by the time we had the wedding pulled together my wife wanted to lose some of the baby weight before being fitted for her wedding dress. She looked beautiful, but you'd expect the groom to say that.
Nightly.Net entered my life about a year later. I discovered Nightly while I was looking for pictures to use in a chat based RPG I was playing online. Specifically I was searching for pictures of Mara Jade, as the RPG was based in the Star Wars universe. I searched the internet and my first stop was at a site called Star Wars Chicks. If I recall right it was just a few clicks later and I was at EpisodeII.com. A moment after that I was at Nightly. Needless to say I was hooked from the start.
Posting at Nightly was a breeze thanks to being able to surf the internet while I was at work. I worked night security for a local cable company and so to stay awake I turned the internet into my coffee. After three years of this my wife grew busy, my son went from a baby to a boy and I became a homemaker. My wife decided she wanted to go to work, but we didn't want to place our son in daycare. So one night I rented Michael Keaton's "Mr.Mom", took notes and totally believed I was ready.
Make sure all of you readers write this down: No one is ever ready to suddenly take care of a child. My early experiences of being a Mr.Mom made sure that my wife and I didn't conceive another child for close to four more years. My son was given a baby sister the day before his own seventh birthday. That was just last August and this now brings me to the present. I still live in Alaska. I'm still alive, no new deaths to report and life in general is peachy keen. Excluding the last couple months where my daughter has been a pain in the neck because of teething and winter colds.
Passive Aggression
Posted by The Human Torch, 23 Apr 2006, 09:42 PM in Miscellaneous
You Parked In My Spot
Urine Sprayed In Your Air Vents
Makes Me Smile For Days
Donuts
Posted by The Human Torch, 21 Apr 2006, 10:55 AM in Miscellaneous
Not Cake, Not Cookie
Neither Candy Or Ice Cream
Fill Me Like Donuts
on An Embarassing Epitaph